New Church Almost Opens

There was a church available on Desoto that I almost borrowed. I was thinking of opening Weik's Happy Hour of Salvation. No down-and-out, sorry-assed, moaning and groaning sermons. Sinning would be discouraged, but not condemned. Praying would be a state of life, not an event. There would be plenty of cheap advice. At Weik's Happy Hour of Salvation, you get what you pay for. The billboard would have read, "Give a lot, but expect little." With that in mind, I'm sure you would not have been disappointed. Here's a sampling of what money could have done for you:

1. For $1000, you can be born again. Obviously, this is serious. Everything you have done that is naughty would be forgiven up to that point. It's going to take some time to list everything. This also requires being re-baptized. The price is high because you may be held under until you quit struggling, which at times results in legal ramifications.
2. For $500, any affairs you might have had would be forgiven. The price is pretty cheap for this because it is so popular. Sort of a volume discount.
3. For $750, you can be exorcised. This is a good deal because it takes a while. Pretty much anything can be exorcised, but I specialize in bill collectors.
4. For $350, we can work on your alcoholism. Here in the Village, this is again a volume rate. I am qualified to do this, so it's a bit special. I am fast. You come in, sit down, and I say, "Don't drink anymore." I waste very little of your time. You can't beat it. ( By the way, the pill I give you is safe, unless you drink. Then you die. I get $650 for funerals).
5. One last service you'll miss. We would have had communal meals. Everyone brings something, the church supplies the bread and wine. This can get expensive, but I figure I can make up for it in the end. Enough wine, and numbers 2 and 4 may come into play fairly quickly.

Unfortunately, the Assembly of God took the church before I worked out a deal. I'm sure it's not going to be near as much fun.