WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM THE INTERNET

• I APPARENTLY NEED A BIGGER PENIS.
• I CAN BORROW MONEY IN SECONDS; GET A CREDIT CARD IN MINUTES; AND BUY ANYTHING IMAGINABLE, AND CHARGE IT ALL TO YOU.
• YOU CAN GET THE NEWS INSTANTLY. THIS IS BOTH GOOD AND BAD. NOW I KNOW EVERY DAMN STUPID THING THAT HAPPENS, LIKE WHO WON THE ELECTION.
• WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME IF I WANT THEIR PICTURES. I KEEP ASKING THEM IF THEY WANT MINE. NO ANSWER. BUT I'M HOPEFUL.
• YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO TALK FACE TO FACE WITH PEOPLE. I LIKE THAT AFTER A CAREER OF DOING SO EVERY DAY. NOW I CAN BE ANYONE, OR ANYTHING, ANYTIME I WANT. BEING ANONYMOUS DOESN'T HELP TRUTHFULNESS.  BELIEVE ME.
• FINALLY, I HAVE LEARNED YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL WHERE THE INFORMATION YOU SO BADLY WANT TO BELIEVE COMES FROM. IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKELY THAT JESUS WOULD RETURN AS A PICTURE ON SOME TOAST, OR IN A CLOUD. OR FOR THAT MATTER, THAT HE WOULD BE ATTENDING CHURCH SOMEWHERE. AND I DON'T THINK ALL MUSLIMS ARE EVIL. NO MORE SO THAN MOST CHRISTIANS. IT IS, HOWEVER, IMPERATIVE THAT YOU BELIEVE MOST OF THE CRAP YOU ARE HEARING FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. IT'S ALL TRUE. AND YOU CAN ONLY BLAME YOURSELF FOR PUTTING HIM THERE. THANKS.